


Putrid heart

by MurTheHat



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm, what if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24423859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurTheHat/pseuds/MurTheHat
Summary: A what if -alternative for the movie: Spinel doesn't get rejuvenated and trolls around massively, keeping on the villainous role.No archive warnings applyfor now. In later chapters we'll probably be dealing with things like body-horror and such. I'm an edgy bastard with a serious soft spot for horror, so this might get quite dark. You've been warned.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> My take on Spinel's breakdown in the garden, after Steven's broadcast.
> 
> Trigger warning for self harm.
> 
> Btw., English isn't my native language, so grammar mistakes are bound to happen. Feel free to give critique in any way and form, I'm trying to improve!

No no no no NO

She wasn’t supposed to be feeling… _this_. This burning in her very core, this wretched urge to rip something - no, what’s worse, _someone_ \- apart; it almost didn’t matter who or where, as long as the one suffering, for change, wasn’t Spinel herself. The weight of all these years, six thousand of them, in fact, was suffocating her now that it so uncontrollably crashed on her shoulders, weighing her down, tearing her down, tearing her into pieces -- pieces that kept tearing on her, kept tearing on her, kept TEARING--

Spinel’s mind hurt, her physical form hurt, as she, one second after another, felt the burning sensations mocking her all over where the thorned roots had grown over and teared their teeth into; it had been so crucial for her to concentrate into existing so that the thorns wouldn’t break her body, so that they wouldn’t poof her, destroy her for the duration of even the slightest of seconds.  
Because if she had poofed, she would’ve lost the game. After all, Pink had told her to stand very still while awaiting for her return; if she was not to move, she would win.

But her Diamond had lied. While waiting for all this time, obsessively counting seconds, Spinel had started to feel doubtful. Still, never before this damned day had she really, really questioned the last words her best friend had addressed to her. For why would Pink lie to her, to Spinel out of all people, was a mystery beyond comprehension. Every damn time a doubting thought had occurred, she had pushed it away, telling herself that no matter how old the game got, she still was playing it with her superior; she still was doing as she was told, she still was being a _good friend_.

Just a few moments ago she still had believed Pink Diamond would return for her at some point, she just had to be patient and keep waiting, keep playing; keep doing what she had become quite good at. But then it all had come crashing down as the old, now only barely working communication screen suddenly lit up with an electric pop.

The message, simultaneously so waited for and so unwelcome, brought an abrupt end to the darned game. Now, what once had been a string of hope that held Spinel’s tormented mind together, oh-so-twistedly became a noose; a noose so strong and rough that, when coiling around her neck, made her realize how absolutely cruelly she had been played - no, fooled - by the one she thought was trustworthy. The cruel nature of the so-called game now unraveling itself for her was devastating enough to bring her on her knees.

She thought they had been honest with each other. Instead she was tricked into playing this game for years and decades and centuries to come, trying so desperately to win only to realize the winning line had never even existed to begin with -- only to realize her so called best friend was never intending to come back for her.

Never.

_Never._

Oh, how wrong it was, how absolutely wrong indeed?

Spinel clawed at the ground underneath, slowly falling down on her elbows as her hands curled into fists and she began to ruthlessly maul her head with all the strength she could muster. Still, being pummeled by her own inflated hands felt like nothing, it simply _was_ nothing after the news she had just heard; the new information still kept ripping her mind to shreds, twisting her personality and everything that had made Spinel who she was into something unfixable.

Pink had not only left her, but everything else too, now; she was gone, completely and eternally, ceased to exist only sixteen years from now. She was survived by her son, said the message, but Spinel didn’t care; she didn’t want Steven, she wanted to face Pink in order to try making things right again.

But it wasn’t even an opportunity.  
And now Spinel was losing it. Losing it all.

The friend in her, the sweet, loving side of Spinel’s grumbling mind, kept screaming at her with a voice so pleading, so pained. I should be happy, it said, for Pink Diamond - my bestest friend, my whole world - has finally gotten what she wanted; her colony turned into something so much more: a world full of beauty and loved ones, full of brand new friends. So shouldn’t she, indeed, be happy for her? Shouldn’t she embrace what Pink Diamond had achieved, the peace she had created? Yes, she should do just that, only that, right? Spinel was oblivious of many things, but she knew that for sure she wasn’t created to be like _this_ : bitter, jealous or - by the stars! - malicious gem.

No!

So then, why was she feeling like this?

The once beautiful, lush garden surrounded her with its lifelessness as Spinel broke down to crying, wailing, uncontrollably sobbing. Eyes pressed shut with unnecessary force, she lifted herself from the ground until she was sitting stumbled over on her knees, and grabbed the heart-shaped gem in her chest with a pained vigor. Spinel dug her fingers under its seams as she tried to force herself to rip it out from where the gem was lodged, as she tried to bring an end to her miserable existence if only for a few seconds. The sheer thought of poofing made her scared, though; it made her so, so scared, but wasn’t this what she should do, considering the nasty, foul feelings she was feeling; the completely rotten thoughts she was having?

Maybe when she reformed again her mind would be… clearer?

But the renewed, scary side of her, the origin of these thoughts she didn’t want to think and these feelings she didn’t want to feel, prevented Spinel from actually going down on this route right then and there. Yes, she thought, she should just accept that Pink had moved forward into a life without her best friend Spinel, as that, according to her standards, was what a friend would do: be supporting, no matter what. But then again, on the other hand… a friend wasn’t supposed to lie, to be cruel enough to leave someone who trusted them with only untrue promises and false hopes keeping them company, so why should she actually be this ashamed? That just wasn’t it, that was plain wrong -- especially after all Spinel had done for her Diamond, after all she had been through because of her, Pink shouldn’t have left her. Or did their friendship seriously matter only so much; just enough to be brought to an end as vile as this? How the heck was Pink able to abandon her so coldly after all Spinel had done for her was to comfort her when the other Diamonds scorned her, to bring her spirits up when she was feeling down; how could Pink do this to the one supposed to be her best friend?

Everything they went through together should’ve turned Spinel into someone worthy in Pink’s eyes, right?

Right!?

Well, it clearly hadn’t. All she had done… for nothing.  
It was insane. Ridiculous even, completely laughable, wasn’t it?

A fit of deranged chuckles made Spinel’s body quiver as her mind started spiraling down, deeper down. If Pink hadn’t thought of her highly enough to straight up be honest with her, to tell Spinel what she had done so wrong that she deserved to be abandoned in this Diamond-forsaken garden for six thousand years, she was nothing but justified to have all these feelings! Oh, indeed; she was nothing but justified to hate Pink Diamond and everything she represented! And if Spinel allowed her hate to define her from now on, at least then she would be deserving of this treatment she got; at least then it would make some sense!

Hah, of course!

Though... Now that she thought about it more, Spinel could argue that she did actually deserve this for simply being so damn gullible, so stupid, so naive and idiotic that even after being tricked this horribly, she intuitively tried to defend Pink -- all the while Pink herself was the one to blame, the one who had done wrong. Spinel’s insane laughter grew deeper and more unhinged as she suddenly swore revenge for everything Pink had left behind: to her son, to the Earth, to her new friends. Her sense of moral now twisting into something horrible, Spinel wiped away her tears before viciously pulling on her hair, tugging and damaging the cute heart shaped buns into viciously sharp, messy pigtails.  
Oh, yes… the whole Earth was soon to greet Pink Diamond’s biggest mistake. A whole new game was about to begin, and Spinel was sure to make a number out of it. After six thousand years of stillness, she wasn’t going to stop anytime soon.

And at that moment, Spinel ripped her heart out, finally poofing -- finally giving herself some peace before the eventual reforming. She needed the break.

Her last thought before the all-consuming loss of consciousness was that she knew where Pink had kept her weapons. 

Accessing them would be ridiculously easy.


	2. End of peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get downright funny.

He almost couldn’t believe it.  
Almost.

After everything Steven had been through in the past 16 years of his life, the cynical side of him sure wasn’t surprised about the recent turn of events. It had only been the matter of time when something would go awry again, of course; he had been such a fool to actually believe in the longevity of the peace he had created. After all he had had two wonderful years of restful life since making amends with the Diamonds, something was just bound to bring an end to it.

This time the one to end the happily ever after he had put so much work into was a gem of quite average height - she was maybe slightly shorter than Steven himself - but while she didn’t look all that formidable despite appearing deranged and unkempt, she proved to be dangerous in a very short period of time. It was not only her abilities either, not the way she stretched and manipulated her form like an old-timey cartoon, nor how cunning and chaotic she was while taunting them all as she effortlessly dodged their attacks, no: even more concerning were the doomsday devices she brought with her. Steven had of course seen gem-tech injectors before, but none this big; the one she arrived with was about twice the size of an average injector, and the scythe she pulled out of her gem almost equally threatening. While all so violently raining her own hate over the unsuspecting Crystal Gems, the weird gem proved to be insanely efficient with said scythe.

The end she brought was fast, sudden and dramatic: it seemed like they never even had a chance against her extremely unpredictable nature. In just a few minutes Steven was robbed of his friends and was left alone to deal with this crazed, rogue gem -- just like she intended, he realized. She had kicked him further away on purpose as she swung the scythe down and sliced his friends in two in only one damned blow, saving him for last for whatever crazy reason she had in her mind.  
Seeing Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl being poofed with such a wicked ease armed Steven with a foul feeling of hatred, but before he managed to act upon it, he too got to taste the weapon.

It hurt. It left him feeling weak. His human half kept him from poofing - Steven understood it with confusion that made his blood run cold - but it was painfully apparent that something broke in him the moment the blade, which seemed to be formed out of electrifying light particles, traveled through his body. He noticed that, for a few seconds, delicate patterns appeared on his skin as if his veins were glowing white.  
The sensation left behind was weird, tinglish, like thousands of invisible centipedes scurrying all over him. An unpleasant feeling, for sure, but the fact Steven couldn’t see or feel any actual damage to his body made him foolish enough to mock the gem that had just hit him.  
“Ha! That was nothing!”  
Steven voiced his triumph with straightened posture, his hands on his waist -- only to be taken aback by how the rogue gem reacted: gleefully, grimly smirking, she seemed like she was actually happy he wasn’t taken out this easily.  
“Then I guess you won’t mind if I... do it again!”  
Steven realized his mistake a little too late. He wasn’t able to dodge fast enough, and as a result was hit with the scythe multiple times, all while the rogue laughed with sadistic mirth in her voice. Momentarily stunned by the attack, Steven couldn’t help but wonder why she was like this; again, it had something to do with his mother, that much he had gathered from before, but nevertheless the attack seemed so uncalled for, so senseless, so unreasoned. He was feeling bitter, he knew it, but it was unfair, wasn’t it? All the happiness he had had before stolen from him this suddenly, this unapologetically, this cruelly! This happily ever after he had thought he had achieved might’ve been only an illusion to begin with, but losing it still hurt so bad.

As did the scythe when it cut through him over and over again. Steven didn’t know how many times he was hit before he managed to grab a hold of the scythe’s handle and was able to bring the battle to a charged halt.  
“Cut it out!” he growled as they were both trying to stand their ground while simultaneously keeping their hold on the scythe. Steven was sneering, the gem staring at him with a smug smile.  
“You don’t poof, do ya? Figured as much. Just wait! Your human half won’t stand a chance against my injector, not after what I just did to your gem!”  
The gem-human hybrid was seasoned enough in fights to not flinch at what the rogue said, so nonchalantly, so jovially, but inside of him a slightly frightened feeling rose: oh, stars, this didn’t promise any good!  
“What are you talking about?”  
His words became venomous, his mind baffled and angered. He only wanted to end this, but the attacker, well… she seemingly still enjoyed what was happening and sure wasn’t going to stop yet.  
“You weren’t always a powerful hero, were you?”  
While the reply itself wasn’t too triggering for Steven - no matter how it made his skin crawl as he hesitantly remembered how weak he had once been -, the fact that he apparently wasn’t going to get any kind of sensible answers from the deranged attacker made him lose it. The ruthlessness of the attack indeed fueled Steven’s hate; so much so that when he finally managed to seize the control of the weapon, he was nothing but ready to hit her with it. He seriously _wanted_ to hit her with it!

But even when partially knocked out of balance after having the scythe forced out of her grasp, the attacker dodged, just as easily as she had dodged the attacks of his friends only moments before. She simply stretched her body to the right like the apparently rubber-like creature she was and the scythe missed. It was a matter of only about one inch and less than a second of time, but it was enough to drain Steven from his ability to strike again; he still wanted to, he sure did, but he couldn’t make himself raise the scary weapon for the second time in an attempt to hit the crazy gem with it again. Suddenly he was hesitating, all this feeling so wrong - since when did he actually want to intentionally hurt someone? -, and the attacker noticed it.

She stretched her arm, grabbed the handle of the scythe, but instead of even trying to snatch it back, she intentionally brought it’s blade unnervingly close to her own chest where lied her gem, the likeness of an upside down heart. She was sure to not touch herself with the destructive weapon as she so blatantly ridiculed Steven’s inability to hit her with it, her wild magenta eyes turning into literal spirals. She seemed to really enjoy the moment until, quickly, her expression went grim as she seemed to grit her teeth; a dramatic contrast to the deranged grins she had been showing before. Somehow it seemed like, Steven realized, that the gem was actually… disappointed in his inefficiency? Disappointed in not being poofed?

“Wise decision, actually”, remarked the gem, “ya woulda regretted poofing me.”  
Then she smiled again, ending her somewhat cryptic words with a mien of insanity, before letting go of the scythe, taking a step back and… to Stevens utmost horror, cartwheeling to where Sapphire, Ruby, Pearl and Amethyst’s gems were lying in the grass. The smile on her face grew wider until it was nothing but a monstrous grimace as she scooped them up in her hand - which was comically large compared to her lanky arms - and looked at the completely horrified boy with an expression that could only be described as totally unhinged.  
“Let’s see how ya do without yer powers _and_ yer friends!” laughed the rogue, spiraling her legs into a spring and launching herself to the sky before Steven got to her. Still horrified, he turned around to see the attacker retreating to the top of the very injector she had arrived with.

And just like so, she was gone. For now, at least, and all she had left Steven with were unanswered questions and the pain of not only seeing his friends poofed but also actually stolen from him. Steven felt despair, probably deeper than ever before, the burning of tears in the corners of his eyes just making it all seem even more bleak. He tried to float in an attempt to reach the top of the injector, to take his friends back no matter what, but he only managed to stumble over. No matter how much he concentrated, no matter what he did, his powers seemed not to work. It sure was enough to send him further down into the darkness of this situation -- in just a few seconds he was so far in it that he almost didn’t feel it when something small touched his back before falling down to the ground next to him.  
“Then again… ya can keep that”, shouted the voice Steven had already learned to hate -- but when he noticed what she had thrown at him, it was a beam of very welcome hope that made his heart pound a little louder.  
_Pearl._

As if being afraid he’d break his dear friend by simply touching her too harshly, he picked her up carefully, with desperate affection stroking his heart and mind; at that exact moment he was too happy to have Pearl back to wonder even for the slightest of moments why it was Pearl the rogue had allowed him to keep after all. Simply too distressed, too pained to think about anything else, he didn’t remember that just before attacking the rogue had clearly recognized Pearl -- just like Pearl had recognized her. All that lost its meaning when Steven’s thoughts got fixated into thinking how he was to fix this fiasco that seemed absolutely senseless. The only one with answers had retreated and most likely was not willing to give Steven any information -- and for sure he wouldn’t be screaming his lungs out at the huge injector in an attempt to ask the unknown gem all these questions anyway. What he knew for sure was more important right now: he knew how uneasy he was feeling, how _scared_ he actually was. Not only because Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst had gotten kidnapped, but they were poofed, too. Sure, his friends had been poofed before, but this time it felt extra wrong; he had a bad, looming feeling over him, telling that the scythe might have been something else than just a regular destabilizer. Not only did the rogue’s words foreshadow it, he actually _felt_ it when some sort of afterburn hit him; the centipedes were back, crawling all over him again while the white, circuit-like lines appeared on his skin for the second time -- or third, he was too distressed to tell. Like before, the feeling lasted only for about two seconds, but it was strong enough to make him fall to his knees.

Steven raised the hem of his shirt to take a look at his gem.  
He felt almost nauseated when he saw it’s glow getting weak, flickering like a faulty light bulb.  
Seeing this added greatly to his already quite unbearable nervousness: how the hell was he supposed to make things right again without the chance to turn to his powers if needed? This was more than unfair, more than enough, and yet… while the hatred towards the attacker, the wicked rogue with jester-like appearance, two messy pigtails and three black streaks on each side of her face as if she had been crying ink, definitely still scorched his mind, the forgiving and kind to a fault side of him already wondered how he could help her.

How he could help them all.

Somewhat clumsily he stood up, walked to the rogue’s scythe left lying in the grass, took it with him and headed home. He had to think. And, once again, he apparently had to fight, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUUUNN.

**Author's Note:**

> This hurt to write. Ouch.


End file.
